Networking and Online Dating

A question I'm asked frequently is how to network.  I've written other articles about how to grow, access and use your network online while you're looking for a job.  But I've left out the most important part.  How to actually talk to other people when you're meeting in person. Networking is all about building relationships. It's very much not about what everyone else can do for you.  But it is very much about what you can do for each other.  Remember, this is a two-way street.  But first, you have to get started and actually speak to each other.

Related:  Using Your Network to Find a Job

Last week I was having a conversation with other business owners about the importance of networking. A few people mentioned how chatting up strangers can be difficult, even when it's during an event and that's what you're supposed to be doing.  I made a stupid joke (surprising, I know) about my unsuccessful online dating experiences having at least given me a lot of practice making conversation with strangers.  People laughed, they're very polite, but I realized it wasn't really a joke.  My fairly ridiculous online dating exploits had actually prepared me really well for in-person networking.  They also gave me some pretty funny stories, but that's for another blog.



The main reason networking is so challenging is that most of us really don't want to go talk to people. We want to talk to the people we already know.  Talking to strangers is uncomfortable and it's human nature to avoid discomfort.  But just because something is uncomfortable doesn't mean it has to be unpleasant.  Take getting into a hot tub.  Typically the temperature is pretty high so you have to ease into it slowly, bit by bit.  But once you're there, nothing feels better than relaxing into the heat.  Chatting up strangers can be like that, if you ease into it. Rather than being painful, it can actually be fun.  But there's a trick to doing it successfully.

Related: Networking Basics

The key to successful relationship building, whether you're building your networking or on a date with someone you met online, is to ask about the other person.  And actually listen to the answer.  That's it.  It's pretty simple.  When I'd go on these blind dates I always asked about them, first.  I'd throw out a couple of follow up questions, a few "how interesting, tell me mores" and then I could sit back and enjoy my drink.  Frequently that was the only thing I was enjoying.  But networking is more fun.  Once you get someone talking, the rest is easy.  You just have to stand there and listen.  And as opposed to a date, you don't have to worry that this person is going to want to come home with you.  You also don't have to worry about saying the right thing to impress them, or show how smart you are. Just stand there with your mouth shut.  Listening is the fastest way to get people to like you.  And we all want to help people we like.

Sometimes you are going to find yourself in a situation where the other person drones on incessantly about themselves.  Even though it's a little bit your fault because, hey, you asked, you don't have to submit yourself to it for too long.  Unfortunately, when in a networking or professional situation, excusing yourself to the bathroom and convincing the waitstaff to sneak you out isn't an option. But you can get out of it gracefully.  When it's obvious you're not needed for the conversation, wait for the other person to take a breath and break in.  Thank them for their time and tell them how interesting they are.  Take their card and say how nice it was to meet them.  And then indicate vaguely toward someone else and say you need to catch up with them before they leave, and walk away.  And do it all with a smile.  This is about building relationships, after all.  Not about indulging one person's love of their own voice.  Just make sure you're not that person and you'll have a great time.  

Meeting new people and building your network can be fun.  Most people you meet are really very nice and interesting to talk to.  Just like with any skill, the more you practice, the easier it gets.  I never used to look forward to large groups of people and talking to strangers.  It was my least favorite thing to do.  But the idea being dateless and dying alone (ok, a bit dramatic) motivated me out of my comfort zone.  I really enjoy meeting new people and I value the connections I've made and the relationships I've built. And if I can grow to enjoy it and be successful at it, so can you.  I promise.  You just have to get out there.